Do I stay or do I go?

Over the last few months, a lot has changed for me. The rollercoaster that was the beginning of covid threatened to take control again, as a new and difficult decision appeared.

A few months ago the NSW government decided that anyone who booked a flight after a specified date, would have to pay the $2000 for quarantine when they arrived. I decided, along with the majority of Aussies living overseas, to quickly book a flight for November. My housemate and a few friends also booked for the same flight. The plan was always to be home for Christmas, however I felt strange booking a flight home so soon after arriving. Not long after, the problems Aussies were having in getting home became even more apparent. People were packing up their families, selling their homes, and arriving at the airport, only to find out that they had been bumped off their flight. The massive reduction flights and arrivals in Sydney, meant that a lot of people bumped off flights could not rebook for up to 2 months. They were literally stranded and unable to get home. The desperation in the Aussies in LA Facebook group was intense, and got me thinking about if I really needed to go home. Would it be better to forgo my flight, and allow someone who desperately needed to get home to do so? I sat with this for some time. I was earning money here (not many people can say that), and was doing a lot of inner work that I never would have done back home. It took some time, a lot of back and forth (and gently breaking the news to my parents), but eventually I decided to cancel my ticket, and stay in LA until 2021. I told myself that I was doing it for financial reasons, or because I was being selfless in allowing someone else to get home - but really, I'm just not ready to go. I feel like I have only just started settling here; growing and learning so much about myself as an artist, and a person. Until I admitted that to myself, and stoped feeling selfish for choosing to continue this journey, I couldn't bring myself to cancel the flight.

Now that I have done it, I am more sure than ever that it was the right decision. I am not ready to go home. I've said it right from the day I won the lottery - this is where I am meant to be.

Booking a new flight is near impossible now. People are paying ridiculous amounts of money to get home. Which brings be to my next point - the pressure to be home. I don't feel it very much - my friends are mostly actors, and my family have been extremely supportive. However my friends here in LA are feeling insane pressure to come home. There is this mindset that coming home will fix everything that's wrong in the world. Yes, covid is out of control in this country. Yes, we have the election in two weeks. Yes, these are tense times. Yes, physically and emotionally we have all been through the works this year. But going home won't fix that. It's still going to happen - you'll just be somewhere else. I've said before that LA is one of those cities where everything is heightened. You can't help but feel a part of something bigger, particularly with everything that has happened this year.

I'm proud that I was here for the BLM movement, I'm glad to be here for one of the most important presidential elections in US history. I am glad I have been able to be a part of something bigger than myself. Has it been easy? No. Has it been scary? Of course. Have I cried myself to sleep? Yes. Do I miss my friends and family? Absolutely. Have I wanted to come home? Not for a second. Even at my lowest of lows I have not wanted to pack up everything I have worked for and come back. In the last 6 months I have grown more than I could every have imagined, and I'm not done yet. I don't think I would ever have done half the work I have done on myself if I had stayed at home, and within my comfort zone.

My point is, that coming home isn't always the answer. Sometimes it is actually the problem.